I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
