I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
