You're completely useless in the revolution.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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