this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
