Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
