i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
