Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
