Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
