he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My dick has a subreddit
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
