So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
