Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
