My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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