We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
