Sry I called you an 8
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
