Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
