last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
