i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
