i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
