i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
