Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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