i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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