Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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