Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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