you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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