yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
