Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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