every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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