just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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