New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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