so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
