I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
