Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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