i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We talked him into tasing himself.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
