If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
