theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
