i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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