I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
