I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
