My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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