I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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