a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
