Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So vagazzling was a success
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
