Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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