what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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