I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
