at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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