I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I checked into jail on foursquare
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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