i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
