batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you told grandpa to call you daddy
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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