Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
